Sorry I’m a Whiny Asshole

22 Feb

Haha, I just read some of my old blog posts and god damn I am a whiny piece of shit. I’m pretty sick of my self pitying attitude. Life isn’t so bad. I know that. I’m just a brat living in Westport who thinks her problems actually matter. I know that so many people have it a lot worse than me.

I made this blog to vent to myself about personal things, so I’m usually not too hard on myself about sounding stupid, but even for a diary this stuff is a little over the top. But hey, I’m not me if not overdramatic and passive aggressive.

I’ve been feeling more and more like my old self every day. I came out of the second quarter with first honors (and believe me, I did as little work as possible so I’m pretty damn proud considering) midterms were brutal but my semester grades didn’t suffer too badly. I’m a terrible test taker, so I either do fantastically or atrociously. I bombed two tests and aced two tests. Not that bad for a waste- of-space-slacker, eh?

So there’s this game I’ve discovered recently due to having too many geeky guy friends. It’s called League of Legends. I’m sure, nonexistent reader, that you’ve heard of it. Well let me tell you. I love this game, but I suck. And when I mean suck I’m talking half hour games with ten deaths and zero kills. But I play with some of my higher level guy friends and they always try to get me to stand back while they fight the other dudes (boooring) but being narcissistic as I am I always get up in the battle to try and kick ass and end up getting brutally gang-banged (killed) by 3 other enemy players at once. Fun right? I have to say though, as bad as I am, I love this fucking game to death and I honestly cant say why. It’s my inner geek shining through. (cough cough throwback to my anime phase)

Speaking of my inner geek, me and my mom looked at computer science summer programs today! (holaaa) I found two really awesome looking ones, but they’re both really expensive so I won’t be able to do both. One is five days and it’s like coding 101; you get to learn java, css, html, and more. It’s essentially heaven for me because I’ve been trying to teach myself these codes for years but can’t quite get a good grip on them from just online guides. I’ve been needing a real class, and here it is, being served to be on a silver platter at Yale University. Woot. But the other one sounds amazing also!! It’s video game programming. You learn how to program and design video games (who woulda thought) and how to make them awesome. Which also sounds unbelievable. There are a bunch of other programs also but they have prerequisites and being half-self-taught unfortunately counts for nothing. Although I’m extremely eager, I’m still a rookie. 

But I get this feeling when I think about it. The same feeling comes when I read books about prison or think about law school, or when I’m songwriting. It’s like, this is it. This is why I’m here. To do this. To pursue this passion. And it makes me so unbelievably happy. I wish I could go into law school AND produce music AND program video games AND quench my thirst for travel and my wanderlust. There are just so many things out there that I want to be doing and so much time I’m wasting here in high school learning algebra I’m just going to forget and never use again and Latin grammar which even for scholars is completely useless. I just have this antsy-ness. I need to get up and go. I need to travel the world.

I need to see the aurora borealis and go on safaris in south africa and spend a night in the underwater hotel on that island off of fiji and ride on the backs of dolphins in Kauaii and ride a horse on a beach in the carribean and teach chinese children to speak english and I need to do it all RIGHT NOW. The struggle is real.

Advertisements

Smiling

9 Jan

I haven’t been able to feel things strongly towards people in more than a while. But what I do know is that I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed talking to you until we didn’t today. I don’t know you that well but you make me smile. And I didn’t realize how much I missed smiling until I did. For the first time I feel like I’m moving on. Not in the sense where I write “i’m moving on” on some blog post in a moment of anger, but in the sense that I’m actually starting to think about things less and less, I feel happy and myself. I’m starting to feel confident  and I don’t really miss him all that much anymore. I feel like myself. So if that’s because of you, then thank you.

The Cycle

19 Dec

I cried again tonight. But that’s okay. My mom says crying is a stress relief, and the release of tears physically relaxes you. But I think it just reminds me that I am still capable of feeling things. Because lately I’ve just felt numb. Two months ago I’d have killed to stop feeling, to stop the pain. But what I’ve realized is that at least pain is human. At least it’s something.

I finished my self portrait today. My dad said it looked nothing like me, that the eyes looked dead on the inside. My mom said it did look like me, and that there was something in the eyes that had a striking similarity. If you asked me a week ago, I’d have said no way, that’s not me. But the truth is, the portrait looks exactly like me. I just wish it didn’t.

Instead of going to Santa Cruz for winter break, my dad decided he couldn’t handle seeing my grandfather again because he’s been on meds that make him act weird. It’s hard for my dad to be around him. I miss my grandpa though. It’s really hard for me to think that in a way, he’s already gone. He’ll never be him again.

Mom called my doctor and asked if we could up my meds. I don’t think they’re working. Maybe I’m not even depressed. Maybe I’m just sad. I hate thinking about the fact that I can feel so strongly about my life. Or, so to speak, how not feel. I sat on my bed today doing homework, but I couldn’t remember why I was doing it.

My life is this constant cycle, you know? Week. Weekend. Week. Weekend. I hate the weeks because I feel alone and my classes are a waste of time and I miss a lot of people that I never talk to anymore. School reminds me that nothing stays the same. I hate the weekends because I don’t want to see people but I don’t want to be alone. There’s only one person I really need to see but he doesn’t even exist anymore and that makes me really sad.

Usually I have something that keeps me going. But I can’t run and I suck at algebra so basically I’m just this waste of space that occasionally consumes food and shits. I feel like I could disappear and life would improve for a lot of people. I just really miss feeling happy and loved. I miss loving. I don’t love anything.

 

The Stars in Santa Cruz

17 Dec

Hi. I’m alive. Somewhat. I think.

In complete honesty, things are pretty rough for me right now. If there are people who actually read this blog, you probably could have guessed based on my recent posts. If you really want to know what happened, I fell in love, and I got hurt. I’m not good at being vulnerable and I barely ever show my feelings so I this was kind of a big deal for me. I internalized a lot of the pain and I tried to be passive aggressive about it. But that didn’t really work out so about a month after it all happened I had a bit of a breakdown. I hate to be that person that doesn’t let go of things, but I am. I hate to be that person that can’t be alone, but when I’m alone I just think about things, you know?

Part of depression is dwelling on things, marinating in things, sugarcoating good memories and making losing things seem much worse. That’s the difference between me and a lot of people, I think; some people love nostalgia, but I despise it. Bittersweet memories of people that have changed– those are the saddest parts of life I think. Because I hate to be cliche but you never really know what you have until it’s ripped out from underneath you with no warning.

I tried to talk to him but he just wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to being regular friends. But my feelings aren’t a light switch and he just reminds me of pain and it makes me angry and sad. And in addition, rather than trying to work it out with me, he just replaced me, so that hurt.

The worst part is I feel so pathetic, you know? I hate relying on people. I’m usually good at putting up these walls and not giving people the power to hurt me. I really trusted him I guess, but I guess you just can’t 100% trust anyone. Or maybe I’m just not a great judge of people.

And it’s gotten so much worse since I stopped running because running was the only thing that made me happy. I miss my track friends and I miss the way the wind felt in my face. I miss the rhythm of my feet and I miss not being able to think about anything except for the searing pain in my lungs and my legs as they pounded against the winding roads. I miss the feeling of crossing the finish line and the relief and pain all coming crashing in at the end. I miss the bus rides and the people and the only place I felt at home since this summer. Running reminded me that I was still my own person and now I’m injured and I don’t do anything and I’m lonely and bored and drowning in mindless busywork.

I only have two sane teachers this year and I can’t deal with the sheer amount of time I waste in school. But the truth is I come home and waste more time. I cant get myself to do homework because what’s the point? Whats the point of anything? I just want to get out of here. I can’t get away from him and I can’t get out of my house and I can’t get away from this god damn school or these awful teachers and I feel trapped. I feel trapped inside my own mind and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do because I don’t even recognize myself when I’m talking to my friends. The words that come out of my mouth are cold and sarcastic and that’s not who I was. That’s not who I used to be. I miss not being afraid to be alone and I miss not crying myself to sleep and I miss having a clear mind in general.

I miss hawaii. I miss the waves and the sand and the way the moon looked on the beach at night. I miss  being able to see the stars. Me and my dad would drag our lawn chairs to the middle of the resort every night, in the little clearing in the center of all the little condos and we ate ice cream and just looked at the stars and talked about how they were dead already. You can’t see the stars in Connecticut because of the light pollution from the city. When I grow up I know I’m going to live somewhere where I can drag lawn chairs out and see them clearly.

My grandpa is sick. It’s all my dad talks about. He has a mild form of cancer and it’s slowly spreading and I miss him and my grandma and all of my beautiful cousins. They’re out in Santa Cruz and I’m stuck way out here. We talk sometimes over the internet but it’s not the same. It’s never the same.

I saw them in August and we dragged futons out in my grandparents yard in their big house in Santa Cruz that’s on top of a huge mountain. The people next to them own a cow farm and there’s a long expanse of grass and trees that leads down to the beach. In Santa cruz we slept under the stars. I remember there was a full moon for three nights and it hung over our heads while we slept. One night I woke up while everyone else was still sleeping. It was probably around 2:00 am and I took out my phone and wrote I love you. But they had no service and the message never sent.

Numb

3 Nov

I don’t cry anymore because I don’t feel anything. I don’t care about anything because nothing is worth caring about. Nothing in this world is really worth living for, I’m just trapped in this stupid system that doesn’t mirror my beliefs and is tainted with corruption. Love is pointless because it never ends well, people are screwed up sons of bitches that only want things they can’t have and feelings are just chemicals that mess with your brain. Happiness is just the release of dopamine you get when you do something that brings you closer to what nature thinks is reproduction or whatever will keep the human species going. Your body is just a way for your genes to be transported into the next generation.

Friends are just liars that judge you but care enough not to say it to your face. Boyfriends and girlfriends are just people you kiss on occasion and wouldn’t mind being seen in public with. Poetry is just a scramble of words that are never strong enough to communicate your feelings and that make you feel worthy or superior to people who don’t write. Clothing is just fabric that covers up insecurities. Insecurities are just stupid people coming down hard on themselves for not fitting unrealistic expectations that no one actually meets.

Memories are just fragments in time that torture you because you can never get them back. Age is a measure of how close you are to death. Nostalgia is exaggerating memories so that they seem better than they really were, and wishing for things that you supposedly used to have, when in reality you were never truly happy.

Cutting is just something people think they’re supposed to do when they’re sad. Smart people are the ones who get how screwed up the world is. Happy people are just people who don’t understand what a shit hole the world is and hope is just something created to let you down. 

Forever is a lie. Everything dies. Depression is coming to terms with reality. 

Boredom is realizing the things you used to love were never worth your time. Betrayal is realizing that there is no such thing as good. Allies are just people who haven’t stabbed you in the back yet. 

Self hatred is looking in the mirror and being fine with what you see, but crying yourself to sleep at night knowing you’re hollow on the inside. There is no such thing as truth. There is only perspective. 

Honesty is an impossible, idealistic, utopian dream.

Moving On

4 Oct

Moving on is about taking things one day at a time. 

You have to let the sadness in; let it take control for as long as it needs to. If you try to push it away, it will just hit you harder later on. The only way to heal is to acknowledge the fact that you have been hurt. Let it scar, let it scab, let it burn. Eventually it will get easier. And while time is the only true remedy for heartbreak, you can speed up the process by doing the things you love.

Write down what you feel. Don’t allow yourself to sink into that abyss of self-loathing and pity, but don’t try to avoid it altogether. Be honest with yourself.

Set small goals.

“Tonight I will not cry.”
“Tomorrow I will not contact him.”
“Today I will make a new friend.”
“This week I will laugh and smile a lot.”
“I will not let myself lose faith in love.”

Smile a lot because you feel happier when you do. Make him see you happy. Be proud of the person you are. Celebrate your independence and find yourself all over again. Surround yourself with people that make you laugh. Keep yourself busy. Branch out. Try new things.

Learn to let go.

Over-Analyzing

4 Sep

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off so I’d stop over-analyzing things. I literally have entire fights with people in my head when I misconceive something they say or do, stressing over tiny details until they set me straight. And I realize that I’m crazy, I tell myself what I’m thinking is pointless and most likely wrong. Nevertheless, pretty much anything (even certain punctuation used in text messages) can put me in a terrible mood. I hate it. This is why I hate trusting people in the first place– I become dependent, needy, vulnerable, and eventually psychotic. I hate that I do it, I’d hate me if I met me, but it’s a part of me whether I like it or not.

And I don’t. So I guess I’ll just be sad for a while.

holy fuck I miss my independence. it feels like not so long ago when I was really, really happy on my own…